The Krishnamurti crisis

As I told before, I am working on my individuation process as described by professor Jung. It has a strange effect on me, for the first time my creativity awakens again, because I dare to relax and surrender to the forces of the universe who will bring me inspiration, and if you can - for instance -  play guitar or piano with another musician, like I did in the Ardennes with my girlfriend's -father, then you have more fun. The more people that can work together creatively, the better. And in one way or another, I always feel at home by creative people, as if they have a kind of sixth sense, they understand a different language: music.

So, I glad for the jam in the Ardennes. It had been three years or more since I really played again, after being almost killed with a baseballbat by my neighbour who was a little bit jealous when Street Soul was released, and sometimes I was on the radio, sometimes I was in a newspaper, we played sometimes in pubs and occasionally in Amsterdam, and we had fun. That neighbour's dream was being succesful as a cabaretier, but he never could reach his goal. That not's his fault, sometimes you need a lot of luck and the right people in your environment otherwise you can't make it. I am blessed with Charles Jarvis as a friend and it was a huge experience making music together. One of my friends Vitalski still makes it as a writer and conferencier, and I am still proud because of his strong will to keep going, even now with two children to feed and take care of. 

So in a that conflict with my neighbour about a computer cable and the fact that my guitar soloing was irritating him - together with his tendency towards jealousy, he took a baseballbat and knocked me on the floor. I could defend myself, thank God I took some Taekwondo and Kung Fu training in my life, so I the damage was not that big, but the blood was on the floor and I had to go to the hospital. He literally knocked the love and passion for music out of my soul, and now it starts to come back, the writing also comes back again, it's like a child that puts its first babysteps towards the creative process again, but I realised in the Ardennes that you are soon back on track since it comes back again. I learned to surrender again to the flow and sense the soul and energies that are available and then you just have to plug in into what I sometimes call the morphogenetic field of music, like Rupert Sheldrake would call it, call it inspiration to keep it simple.

Due to the individuation process, you are really on your own, nobody's gonna help you, most of society is not individualised yet, if Jung was right by saying this. I did some research on the internet to find a percentage of the population that take this kind of Hero's Journey, this Stormy Search for the Self, as Stanislav Grof would call it, but I couldn't find the answer, so be it. Anyway, for the first time in years I really feel that I am alive, but I go through scary moments as well. It's together with the mystical 'Dark Night of The Soul' that I experienced recently, I really feel like alone and totally responsable for everything. It's also a step in awareness, I rely on nobody than myself. Ken Wilber said in his interview series Kosmic Consciousness that if you start the adventure most of society is not into, you end up with the avant-garde, pioneering part of society, so you can't ask society's help, because the socio-economic structure of the world is not build for you. You are cursed to take a kind of leadership approach to life, what is difficult because I believe in equality of us and nobody is more or better than anyone else, and I myself never blindly listened to teachers, I rejected them most of the time and did it my way, so how could I suspect from others to be an example? Aurobindo said that the first thing to realise is that nothing can be thaught, we can only turn you towards your own inner paradise, your own authentic self, and that is what education should do, bringing you to your inner source of soul-energy, your heart's frequency and the rest goes almost by itself. That's a free and open approach towards education, instead of acting like the all-knowing authority, what I completely reject. The best people who want to help humanity further are honest, compassionate, and work from heart to heart, the Kingdom of God is inside, isn't it? Exactly, nothing more to say about that.

I arrived at a stage in my spiritual process that makes me think about Krishnamurti. Due to my background of years of Theosophy study and talking with theosophist, shamans, yogi's, and freemasons from time to time, I know realise that all these brotherhoods and Lodges can't teach you freedom, it all remains conceptual thinking and does not make us free. It might have learn some great things from the ancient wisdom, that for sure, but I totally reject the Hierarchical structure of for instance freemasonry, and in Theosophy they talk also about the Hierarchy with people on Higher and Higher stages of evolution. I never ever met a so-called master of wisdom from the Great White Lodge for instance. I always felt connected to them transcending time and space, but again - it doesn't bring you to your inner wisdom. I read once that Krishnamurti sometimes was overshadowed by a black magician who talked through Him, I guess it was Annie Besant who told him that once. I sometimes sensed a dark influence in the Alice Bailey groups, when I was at a telepathy session , between fallen angels who were in fact soulless. This might sound strange, I once had that impression and ran away on an telepathy evening. It really didn't feel like my energy. As I researched the conspiracy theorists, I often talked about my own questioning with the Theosophists and it just didn't work, they didn't want to hear it, and as soon as said to my mentor from the Lucis Trust that I might reject that New World Order, or had different ideas of what was been thaught to the disciples, and that I feel related to the Archangel Michael, not the Light-bearer Lucifer from Theosophy and Freemasonry. I immediately one day was told that those who reject the New World Order will meet forces that will try to eliminate them. Okay, that was the end with the Alice Bailey movement for me. I once wanted to talk one last time with my mentor, but he even didn't let me enter his home anymore. As if critical questioning is not allowed in these circles, and the Archangel Michael and Lucifer does not seem to best friends. So until know I still read some of the writings written by theosophers, but I know that I am on my own and that no institution, no sect, no guru, no Master, no Saviour will make me unconditionally free. We must question everything (My God, I really start to sound like Krishnamurti here, but I really go through the same turmoil). I think that Krishnamurti himself got disillusioned by the Theosophical Society, maybe after what Besant told Him about the incident with the black magician. Krishnamurti was always told that Maitreya overshadowed Him, so I guess He offered His consciousness open as a vehicle for some other energy or entity to influence Him, what in the end is dangerous, because it makes you a spiritual medium, and in these realms there is a lot of illusion, and fantasy that has nothing to do with Truth anymore. At the moment I had a lot inspiration by reading the Bhagavad Gita, because it related to our world, an empire with certain parts of the world at world, and Krishna as the diplomat on His peace mission, that is quite interesting to learn from. The Veda's are very old and from before the present Dark Cycle of Kali Yuga was a fact, so it's still pure as far as I hope. In these days we must really be careful for false and misleading spiritual paths because there is a market for spirituality and people can be so easily used by other people for money or other unproper motives, that we must constantly check our inner guide within our heart : does this stil makes sense to me, is this practical, is it not wishful thinking, am I wasting my time or really evolving for the betterment of myself and the world or not. You must really use your common sense.

Another philosophy that helped me on the way was the Buddhist philosophy (they refuse to call it a religion, because it has not so much to do with God) but it is more a way of living by studying and controling the mind in order to find inner peace and develop compassion, live an ethical life and so on. I am for from perfect on that Path, some trials and test always come back in my life from different directions and with different people, that it's really difficult to really grow on all levels, but if I look back, then I realise that I lived several lives in one life already, it has been quite stressy, difficult and busy, however most of the time I went through certain kinds of disease or crisis, while on the healthy periods when I was able to function, I was studying and working as a volunteer or in the arts, in the mental health field, in journalism, in the computer world, most of the time be only living on a minimum of income - I never ever did things for money, but because I wanted to learn and grow. It have been very busy years so far, and if you see where I come from, than I'm glad that I'm already in this sphere or environment or energy or stage, whatever you might call it. I started in hell, in the getto so to speak, in an environment of poverty, crime, drug abuse, violence, and with no real hope for the future. I always wanted to know things, but there were not so many books in my family so I was always quite different, wanting to learn to play guitar at a young age, and I always was reading or research almost all of the time, so it has been a whole trip, but the work is now beginning. From here it starts to become very different because I cannot rely on a tradition or a guru or a book that will solve everything for me, no it will be totally on my own from this point in my life. After a suicide attempt, during the years of struggle with the shamanic crises and the kundalini syndrome, I was in a constant battle with psychiatry that did not understand me; suppressed me and made me an addict of their mind-altering drugs, which until today I almost finished completely (only on the smallest dose possible, because I don't believe in these drugs as the solution for our problems), but the system and the environment almost forces people to stay in that safe, accepted circle of 'take your medicine, be kind, don't get in trouble and then you are normal' but that has never been my life. I have always been on an adventure, my spiritual process has always been accomplished with many moments of illness, physically, emotionally, mentally or spiritually and when I was in calm and stable periods, I often did some quite adventurous things. I always wanted to face my fears, forcing myself always over the limits of my own possibilities until now when I reached a certain age that I want to settle down, am not so much interested in the sex, drugs and rock'n roll lifestyle as I was during my years as an artist, I feel the need to be on my own quite a lot, avoid stress and the rollercoasters and adventures that I liked so much in the first part of my life, it totally changed, but - and that's where I'm working on with my psychiatrists, the individuation will have to find my place in society. I did some psychological tests in the past like the Jungian Myers-Briggs personality test what gave me the insight that  I am the rare humanitarian-idealist, I remember that only 1% of the population was of my type, and that I might feel alienated in society because there are so few of my personality type, so I remember that people in my case are the most productive when they can work in their own free space at home, with no too many people around. In a normal job I would completely loose the balance and connection with myself because I am really the weird, rare alienated type according to that Jungian analysis. A pure introvert but with the mindset of a protector of weakest. Strange that it just have to be me that falls in that category of people that are a very small group in society, but the positive side is that if these people find there way in life, that they benefit quite a lot for society, as far I remember, the test was years ago, but I never forget that. A job test at Antwerp University adviced me to become a poet, a writer, a journalist, a psychologist, or a counselor, that were the main jobs that would fit with my personality. If I had been rich my country would have something like Naropa University or the California Institute of Integral Studies, I would love to study there, because I feel completely related to their way of educating people, the Aurobindo way, integral, as equals, in the world, but not from the world, not so much focused on the mainstream rat race just for the money and the fame and the status, but often quite the opposite, looking for a mission in life, a passion, a higher purpose that is transpersonal, beyond the ego, it has to benefit the community, and not for the money. As long as people with that worldview can survive, they would sacrifice themselves in order to fulfill their task for the world, even if it keeps them poor, or that nobody gives you a 'thank you' or recognises all the hard work you do for free, or so, as long as the job is done, everything feels allright and inner peace is a fact. I guess that is what the buddhists mean with finding your "dharma", your authentic purpose, not only for yourself but also for others. If I read Ken Wilber's book Integral Psychology then I often wonder that how come that a certain group of people evolve through the normal steps of education, job, finding a partner, buying a house, making kids, forming a family and than later on sometimes they go through a certain midlife crise or existentional crisis what brings them on a journey of starting to ask questions about the deeper meaning of life, why are we here, where do we come from, is there a God, why do I really want in my life, and so on, while other groups of people start almost immediately during the teenage years with that existential crisis and they have a more difficult Path to walk with much more hardships and bad lucks, tests, what on the long term makes them more experienced individuals then most of society, if everything goes okay and they do not face trauma or so on, on the road, or just don't make it as planned. It remains a mystery but I am glad that Ken Wilber did all the research on published that book Integral Pyschology that gives more insight into evolutionary growth, states and stages of consciousness and so on and so forth. My life threw me on a Path of spirituality and once started, there is no turning back or running away from difficulties.

How my life will go from here, I don't have the slightest idea. All my suffering forced me on a spiritual path, what is common for people who end up being mystics, they are thrown on that path as if they are destined to walk that road, but I expect no more answers and solutions outside myself. My psychiatrist won't safe me, I will have to take responsability, I hope that he can get me free from the medications as soon as possible because I know that the mental health system is still young and unfortunately not always run with the intentions; money, abuse, power and profit still plays a tremendous role, as far as psychiatry is concerned. I did the research on C.I.A. mindcontrol, brainwashing, the role of medicine as tool to make people more servants of authority and so on. There are so many things that need to change in that field, and it will take time. It is a collective epidemia, that - as doctor Stan Grof said - we all will need to heal our deepest wounds, that are even to be found in the collective unconsciousness of humanity and the planet, where we are now in a very turbulent times with many dangers facing us, where selfish motives will lead us towards our possible own extinction, and where a step in evolution towards more compassion, caring, understanding and responsability as a family of humans, might be the only real hope that we make it through this greatest transition in human history that we're going through. Will it lead us to a great world war, that is really possible, there is a realistic possibility that it might go seriously wrong if our world leaders and diplomats don't have the strength to forgive, think outside the box, find consensus, uniting opposites and so on, then it can go seriously wrong, I don't even want to think about it, and the strange thing is that in politics, nothing happens by accident. If thing go into a certain direction in politcs, than it is so because it has been planned that way, often by power-players and lobbygroups behind the scenes. In the worst case, an awakened population might have to force its own leaders to prevent war by civil disobience. Will we face another revolution after a great populist uprising, the elites of the world fear it for sure, don't doubt about that. There are many roads left. From my opinion, keep in mind that beside our many differences of background, education, income, status, class and so on, on the inside we are quite the same people who bleed the same color of blood, so keep that in mind and respect one another. Be wise, follow the way of the heart, don't do it for money ore because of greed, look through other people's eyes, even if you face a so-called enemy, and make him your friend. Dare to lose a conflict in order that long-tem outcome is a consensus and happiness for the group. See the bigger picture, but never betray yourself. You little inner voice knows it all, just keep your feeth on the ground, practice mindfulness and dare to enjoy. Be different, don't worry, the most loved people are those who don't lose their very humanity, and are open, honest and pure themselves. We can make it, but it will be years of constant tests and shocks in the world, if the information that I have is right, but the global trend is a transformed world in the period 2025-2050. Let's hope that that new world will turn out to be a democratic, honest and fair world to live in, and that we don't turn into a world taken over only by an elite, because that is a possible outcome, in America it goes that way for sure. I don't blame any elite, I just observe what I read and hear in the grapevine. We will not fall asleep the coming years I guess, but if we do it without rushing and going beyond our stresslimits, the outcome might be wonderful. Keep the faith, think possitive, but be aware that the world is changing so quick that it will be a rollercoaster from time to time. It might sound cliché, but I agree with the advice of Paco Rabanne, believe in God, pray, meditate and try to be unconditional love. It might sound cliché, but I surrender completely to the Higher Will, what even a freemason told of being the endgoal once you reached the 33th degree of the Scottish Rite: you're on your own. Most of the people of not the slightest idea of what is happening in the unseen worlds. There is a struggle going on, the good versus the evil forces in the world, and let's hope that the good part may win. Sri Aurobindo said that victory is assured, but that we will face a period of purification of our egoic, selfish nature. Optimism is a moral duty! Let's keep our heads up high and just surrender to whatever challenges we face. Remember: the soft overcomes the hard (Lao Tsu).