Eros and Intimacy - Part 1 by Rabbi Gabriel Cousens, M.D.

Eros and Intimacy   

Rabbi Gabriel Cousens, M.D. 

Peace in the family not only includes peace in the life of the couple but also peace between the energies of man and women, between the masculine essence and feminine essence, which may be dominant in either a man or woman. The healing energy for this is activated in the YHWH mantra as well. The balance of YH is the peace and harmony of the inner male and female and WH represents the balance between the outer male and female. “As below, so above” is an ancient Kabbalistic and Hermetic teaching which says that when there are peace and harmony on the earth plane between male and female, there will be peace and harmony between the male and female soul essence on the cosmic plane. It is a major dynamic tension that is and will be resolved in the first part of this 21st century that will play a major role in creating the 1000 years of peace. As for each level of the Sevenfold Peace, we must each do our part in the personal level couple by couple, family by family, interaction by interaction, to be the change we want to make. 

On a personal level, healthy couple and family relationships start with the heroic journey into the unknown world of intimacy. 

Intimacy takes us into the mystery of life; it is not about safety or security. It is about the alchemical process of transformation. It takes us to the frontiers of human existence and brings us face-­‐to-­‐face with our angels and demons. It may activate our deepest thought-­‐forms—our issues with our family of origin, our personal patterns, who we are, our ability to express and receive love, and the question of what is the essence of spiritual life, and what does it mean to be a full human being. 

The spiritual adventure of a sacred relationship is our journey into the unknown. Opening up to the risk of intimacy is part of the evolution of human consciousness; it is on the frontier of human consciousness. We are challenged to maintain and grow within a live, turned-­‐on connection and love, while at the same time to free ourselves from old patterns of pain. In the process, we also need to create space for the other to exist and to thrive. 

A high level of intimacy is when we support each other to become the fullest expressions of that which we are meant to be—the wild female and the wild male. To become the original of whom we are meant to be. We, as partners, have the choice and ability to give space to the other to become their full, original self. 

This is very different from the typical kind of relationship, in which we try to tame the other person into our idea of who he or she should be for us. In intimacy, our role is to help the other reach their full depth as a human being. Sacred Relationship involves invoking the presence of the Divine in the relationship. It is this the alchemical merging into the ONE. 

The definition of intimacy is the strength and maturity to maintain an open heart in love with the other over a duration of time. It is more than a special moment in time; it is a commitment to creating a continual flow of special moments in time. It is a commitment to be continually present as love for your sacred partner. It is very personal. This is one of the major differences between Eastern Tantra, where the woman is the Goddess with no face, and what we are going to call Kabbalistic Tantra, where the woman is the goddess we call the Shekhinah, which has a personal face. She has a name. We see her. 

The concept of the name is very important when we talk about intimacy. The difference between the Temple Priestess, the Goddess, and the prostitute, who helps invokes the Divine, but who is faceless, is that in a personal, intimate, ongoing relationship, the person has a face and has a history to which we are connected. The prophets were very much against the Temple prostitutes because they didn’t have the personal quality. When a person has a name, that personal aspect links them to God. Your name is a reflection of the name of God.  

In intimacy, we have two essences that must be balanced. The female essence, which can be in a male or a female person, is the Rainbow Radiance of who we are—the full flow and dance of Love. It wants to shine, to be seen and needs to be recognized and to be known. The female essence is the flower and the joy of fullness. The male essence, which can also be in a male or a female person, is to die into the unknown—a total focus on oneness, dissolving into the Nothing. So, one is about emptiness and the other is about fullness, and these need to match for a relationship to really work. 

Think of these two essences as a battery with sparks, a polarity that gives spark to the relationship. If you don’t have that arc of energy between the two poles, it is hard to have a deep relationship. The female essence is everything that changes: light, colors, sound, feelings, and flow—the flow of the universe. The male essence is the part that never changes. It is the witness. 

In the Hindu paradigm, it is Shiva and Shakti. Shakti is the play of consciousness in the world. Shiva is the nothing. Shiva just sits there and witnesses the world, unchanging; it is absolute consciousness, itself. These characteristics help us to understand the differences. When the male and female essences get together, there is a merging of light and consciousness. This alchemical energy is the essence of real, deep merging with God. 

Now, let’s talk about communication. The female essence needs one thing: to know it’s loved. If the male essence does not communicate to the female that she is loved, things don’t work so well. What the male essence needs is to know that it is succeeding and not failing. The difference in needs causes the male and female essences to communicate on different levels. All communication—in a relationship, in lovemaking, and in everyday life—has to hold these messages. This is what we call meta-communication. 

By understanding these essences, we can give and receive in a way that uplifts the other person and allows space for than to be their full, authentic self. In order for this to be possible, however, both people have to be operating from the same level of intention, or awareness. 

There are levels of relationship along the spectrum of what we call, in the psychological world, undifferentiated to differentiated. The extremes of the undifferentiated woman and man have no boundaries. This is an extreme co-­dependant state. 

The level-­one intimacy relationship is the least differentiated and, therefore, most co-­dependant is like a business deal, in which getting ego needs to be taken care of is the primary goal. In terms of male and female, it has to do with raw sexuality. In this kind of relationship, the female essence uses its sexuality to attract the male. This is not what happens at all levels, but at level one, this is what she is doing. In a general way, this is what we see today in the marketplace, with the overtly sexual way women dress and so forth. The male essence attracts at level one by power, money, and fame, which is what attracts that level of female essence, which is looking to be made whole by the male. 

In a level-­two relationship, people are working hard on their boundaries and have equality. It is a separate but equal relationship. An example of this is when two people have separate bank accounts, instead of one joint account. Both are equal, and both are denying their essence. The male denies his essence as the meditator dying into the Nothing. The female denies her radiance and walks around in her business suit, but isn’t comfortable with that as her essence. When we are equal, everything is the same. At level two, the biggest struggle is to maintain boundaries and the concept of equality. Essence polarity is often lost. 

The third level of relationship is where we talk about the alchemical merging into God. Here, the goal is supporting each other, by both giving their holy gift. The third-­level female essence gives her holy gift, not to attract a man, but simply to be the radiance of the Divine. Her gift is to inspire everyone into that radiance. The third-­level man sees a beautiful woman, or a beautiful horse, or beautiful nature, and he is inspired to give his gift of the Nothing. She inspires him and he inspires her. That is the essence; it is bigger than we are. 

Level one is about ego needs being fulfilled and the fulfillment of nature’s biological program. Level two is about boundaries. In level three we go on into being beyond the focus on boundaries to express our spiritual program. We have clear boundaries but are able to dissolve them at appropriate times. We feel from the heart, without limitations. When we are lived by love, we are lived by liberation. The only thing that matters is God; God is the complete center of life. We go beyond the egocentric, ethnocentric, into the mystical experience of the One in all things. The male and female essences are expressed as the Culture of Liberation in which the Divine is the center of and expression of life. This level-­three orientation is the joy of the Culture of Liberation. We are not living out old habits or following robotic preferences. We are being lived by love, and that is the essence of relationship. 

At level two, we talk about cooperation, and what is fair. We strive for vigorous independence and are afraid to love too much because we might lose ourselves. But at level three, a community of trust begins to unfold—everyone is being lived by something larger than themselves. The essential question becomes, How can love and light shine most fully? Even if we give up our personal preferences, it is for the sake of a deeper being—to be the expression of God. Level three is where we use sexuality to liberate love and open ourselves to the Divine. It is where sexuality is used to share love with the world and to merge the Heavens and the Earth. 

At level three of relationship, life expresses the deepest level of love, as we go beyond ego needs, our personal boundaries, and our partner’s boundaries (level two), to what would most serve partner and the world? It is important to remember that people may actually operate in all three stages, but are predominately centered in one or another. 

At level three, the feminine is serving the fullness of love. The masculine essence, at level three, seeks emptiness, death, liberation, and meditation. In terms of sexual relationship, with ejaculation, a kind of emptiness is created—the kind of emptiness that is level one. At level three we are placing more focus on non-­ejaculatory sex. This creates the potential for a more sensitive multi-­level orgasm for both men and women, in which we merge into each other and become one. This experience of merging within sexual love is described in the following level-­three poems by the author: 

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TANTRIC SUNRISE 

Awaking from the exquisite bliss of sleep 

Gently massaging your breast and succulent vortexes 

Feeling the subtle heat increase as your nipples and this body pulse with blood 

Our lips lusciously touch, giving birth to our tongues 

Which mate like ovum and sperm, giving birth to life. 

In that moment, the light of a thousand suns explode in my head 

What an awesome sunrise, which goes all day long, 

Forever keeping this one awake!

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The sexual alchemy brings an inner alchemy of light, which then keeps going all of the time. So, the relationship is always inspiring the light and love within each. 

#SacredRelationships